McLaren's China apocalypse: Double DNF and a "Sex God" that turned into a nightmare

What a start that was, mate! The Chinese GP kicked off with absolute fireworks: Lewis Hamilton simply carved through the pack and bolted like he had a rocket hidden in his rear wing. But while the Brit was flying low, a silent drama was unfolding back in the McLaren pit lane. Fans who saw both McLarens parked up within the first few laps couldn't believe it: the Woking squad, who arrived in China looking like the sheriffs in town, left on the back of a tow truck. A double DNF. A rare shock for a team that had been on such an incredible upward trajectory.

So, what went down? I've been asking around in the garages, chatting to people right in the thick of it: Lando Norris had a hydraulic issue with third gear right as he accelerated at the start. The gearbox just locked up, turning his car into a glorified golf cart. As for Oscar Piastri, the fan-favourite rookie, he was the victim of some typical midfield tag: Yuki Tsunoda's AlphaTauri clipped the rear of the Aussie's car at Turn 6, sending them both spearing into the gravel. Party over for both sides of the garage. And this after the MCL39 had been hyped as a "Sex God" in the pre-race press – a machine of desire and performance, enough to make any driver drool. Well, the Greek god turned into a god of retirement in China.

While McLaren Automotive keeps launching its fancy new road toys, the F1 division is left licking its wounds after a weekend to forget. The championship damage is brutal. Here's what that double zero is going to cost the team:

• Norris loses the championship lead to Verstappen, who came home second.
• Piastri blows a golden chance to close in on the title contenders.
• In the constructors' championship, McLaren drops to third, trailing Red Bull and Ferrari.
• The financial sting: they've missed out on at least 30 points – and points are pure gold at the end of the year.

The funny thing is, behind the scenes in Shanghai, McLaren engineers were already burning the midnight oil, pondering questions that sound more like a spiritual quest. "Between spirituality and sexuality," joked one mechanic, referring to the book title one of the team bosses was reading. Yeah, maybe they do need some deep soul-searching to figure out how a car so desired could fall apart so spectacularly. But leave that to the philosophers. Out on the track, China was a cold, hard reality check for the orange dream.

Now it's time to lift their heads, figure out what failed in Norris's gearbox, and nail the setup for the next GP. One thing's for sure: McLaren will be back with blood in their eyes. And, like any self-respecting "Sex God" worth their salt, redemption might be just around the next corner – or it could be another DNF. In sport, you never know, but the passion burns on.